Raising Difficult Topics

My last blog referenced the most simple and convenient communication technique, chit chatting. This is a great base of convo, but eventually we will need to discuss difficult topics.

Maybe you need to break bad news to your spouse or a good friend. Perhaps you're feeling scared or stressed about something. Or maybe you don't know how they'll react, how it will feel to tell them, or how to find the words. Here are three steps to help you prepare for the talk.

Step 1: Know What You Want From the Conversation
Most adults aren't so good at this. We begin a conversation before really knowing what we want out of it. What you hope to achieve can vary. Most often you'll probably want the other person to do one of these things:

-listen and understand what you're going through without offering advice or commentary
-give permission or support for something
-offer you advice or help
-guide you back on track— in a way that's fair and without harsh criticism or put-downs

Why think about this before you begin talking? So you can say why you want to talk in a way that communicates what you need. It might look something like this: "Molly, I need to tell you about a problem I'm having, but I need you to just listen, okay? Don't give me advice — I just want you to know what's bothering me."

Step 2: Identify Your Feelings
Things like personal feelings or sex are awkward to discuss with anyone. It's natural to be nervous when talking about sensitive topics.

Recognize how you're feeling — for example, maybe you're worried that telling someone about a problem will make them disappointed or upset. But instead of letting those feelings stop you from talking, put them into words as part of the conversation. For example: "Jeff, I need to talk to you about something — but it's kind of embarrassing."

What if you think this person may be unsupportive, harsh, or critical? It can help to defuse things by beginning with a statement like, "Sara, I have something to tell you. I'm not proud of what I've done, and you might be mad. But I know I need to tell you. Can you hear me out?"

Step 3: Pick a Good Time to Talk
Approach this person when he or she isn't busy with something else. Ask, "Can we talk? Is now a good time?" Driving in the car or going for a walk can be great opportunities to talk. If it's hard to find a good time, say, "I need to talk to you. When is a good time?"

Difficult conversations benefit from good planning. Think ahead about what you want to say or ask. Write down the most important ideas if you need to.